When We Were Younger But Now That Were Older
by VerelLupin
Summary: Three Mellark Men. Three different perspectives on who they thought they would be and what they have actually become. Fathers can make or break you especially when you're already damaged.


**I heard this song and for some reason I thought of the Mellark Men. I've always been curious about Peeta's dad and would have liked to have more information about his son.  
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**Enjoy...**

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><p><strong>When I was younger, I always thought I could be someone if I tried enough<strong>

He won't always be a baker; he says to himself, _'I'll be a lawyer or a tailor and maybe one day travel to a different district.' _But his father got ill and when he recovered he no longer had the same strength.

So Nathaniel put his dreams away for a few months until those months turned to years and until he knows nothing but bread and hard work and the warmth of the ovens.

**When I was younger, my father said wear a smile, show respect**

He's too serious when he first meets her and his father pulls him aside and in a soft aged voice tells that pretty girls prefer smiling boys to sour ones.

That a girl that you want for a wife is a girl who's father you respect. He nods and when next she comes he smiles widely and she smiles back and steals his heart along with the coal miner's.

**When I was younger, you never said when I was older, I'd feel helpless**

He carries the largest sack of flour he can find for more than a few hours. He goes up and down the stairs with it until his father tells him that his actions are futile.

"So is loving a woman that is marrying someone else," Nathaniel responds and his father lets him be and he continues carrying the sack everyday for a few hours until the day of the wedding. He finally drops it and cries into it because he'll never stop loving the new Mrs. Everdeen.

He marries and has three boys and hopes that none of his boys end up like him, with a wife they don't love and one who knows that her husband yearns for another.

He's standing in line with his Peeta when he sees her pass by with her small daughter and he points her out to his son. He doesn't have contact again until he sees her daughter shake hands with his son and he sees the same lovelorn expression on Peeta's face that sat on his own many years ago.

He tells him son goodbye not good luck because he'll die for the girl. He's like his father in so many ways. The train departs and he wishes his boy had listened to his warning about loving an Everdeen.

**When I was younger, you shone the light and now that I'm older, it doesn't shine bright**

He learned to bake like his father and his father's father even though a painter lived in his soul. It would only be for a little while anyway.

He was told he could be whatever he wanted but when he voiced his dreams aloud his mother shouted and hit him until he learned to be quiet.

He never wondered why it was that she hated him so, his resemblance to her husband made that obvious. He couldn't hate his father for not protecting him especially when his father hated himself enough for the both of them.

So Peeta endured the abuse because whatever had once shined in his father had passed onto him the moment his father told him about the little girl with her sweet mother and the singing father that had married her.

**When I was younger, you always said that as I got older, you'd always be there**

He entered the reaping, got his name called and was warned that loving an Everdeen was dangerous. He lost his way but not his innocence until he gained the girl of his dreams at the games but lost the real girl back in District 12 to her coal miner friend just like his father before him.

He came home bruised and heartbroken but he entered the games a second time and this time he won the real girl only to lose her to the nightmares the capital put in his mind. He was recued but he was hollowed out and shattered like his home and he never got a chance to miss it or say goodbye.

**I'm singin' ooohhh, I'm singin' ooohhh**

**I'm singin' ooohhh, I'm singin' ooohhh**

So he sang strange words that only his father had known. Words only a dead man could sing to comfort his deranged son.

**When I was younger, I used to care about everything that my father said**

He use to care about his father and his Katniss but all that belonged to the other Peeta, the one the mockingjay has stolen from.

'_If she doesn't love you don't let it be the death of you like it was for me. Hold every memory dear and never let it be destroyed. If she does then love her with everything you have.'_

It stole everything that he was until all that was left was a raging ball of fractured memories and dreams that couldn't be real and all the advice he'd been given was twisted with venom.

_If she loves you it'll be the death of you. She'll take everything you hold dear.' _

**When I was younger, you even told me just show evil, the upmost respect**

They were all evil. Him and 13 and Snow and Coin and he'd not given them their due. He lost himself when his own hand reached for her neck and squeezed and he knew that his father had been right to warn him about Katniss. When Prim was ripped from the world and he watched the girl on fire become nothing but ash.

He respected evil now that he knew what it could do and watched with approval as Katniss shot Coin. He rushed to her side and caught the capsule that would have taken her too and left until he eradicated what had tainted him and he could help her find her way back.

She watered the roses and as he held their son, he wondered if his father would approve of his grandson sharing his name and Peeta would like to believe he would because Nathaniel Mellark had deserved a happy ending. He hoped they'd all get it.

**When I was younger, I never thought that when I was older, I'd see you give up**

Mom is screaming at him that she can't take it anymore. She can't take the long silences and the broken looks he gives her. She shakes him and begs for a response while my sister's tears run into my hair as she clutches me tight for support.

Dad stares vacantly at her letting himself be consumed by her rage.

These non-arguments have been happening more often and we'll lose him soon if we don't do something.

He used to be much happier. He used to paint but now the studio remains closed and he slips further away with the passing years. My father was always the one who brought warmth into our home and if he goes cold, we will freeze.

She smothers him in her embrace but he still leaves our home the moment she lets go and wanders away into his old house and doesn't return that day or the next and my mother's cries become less and less frequent until only we make noise.

**Now that I'm older, I carry the torch just promise you'll stand, you'll be strong**

They've not spoken in months and Haymitch wishes me good luck. He says any offspring of Peeta and Katniss Mellark has to be pretty stubborn and resilient. I pray he's right as I try to pull my father back for the brink of self-destruction.

He shouts that he's been cracked beyond repair for years and that he had to shatter at one point. I join him on the floor and tell him that the man that save my mother's life still lives inside him. He just has to set him free.

**I'm singin' ooohhh, I'm singin' ooohhh**

**I'm singin' ooohhh, I'm singin' ooohhh**

I sing a lullaby he thought only he knew and he doesn't see the tears marking my face but I wipe away his. I realize what today is and I understand that every few years the dam breaks and the past is especially heavy on this day and he leans away from me. I resemble him too much. Like father, like son, like grandson.

**When I was younger, I never thought**

He follows his mentor's footsteps until I remind him that my grandfather raised someone better than this.

**When I was younger, I never thought**

He mutters that my grandfather didn't go through a war and lose his whole family along with his mind.

**When I was older, I'd fight your wars**

I remind him that my grandfather wasn't as lucky as him.

**When I was older, I'd fight your wars**

He laughs coldly and I remind him that my grandfather had to live his whole life without the woman he loved while he had my mother by his side even in the bad times.

**When I was younger I never thought I'd find a new us**

I helped when her daughter was gone. I made fresh bread for every day that her daughter kept my son safe and used it as an excuse to give her a warm loaf.

She hugged and kissed me on the cheek once and I could only hope that her kiss was as real as the love our children carried for each other.

**When I was younger never thought I'd find a new us**

My new bakery was a symbol of my family and I proudly reconstructed it and she helped me make it past the horrible days and nights that we'd been apart.

She held me closer on the anniversary of the bombings and I held her tightly on the anniversary of the explosion following my father's advice and loving her with all I had.

**I'd do it for you, **

I'll take care of the business and the family so you can get better. The bakery will still be here, as will I.

**I'd do it for you, I'd do it for you,**

I'll make sure I don't die a pawn in their games. I'll make sure she survives the second war like you didn't.

**I'd do it for you**

I'll help you through it. I promise that we'll be a family again. I promise I won't let you forget the man you really are.

**When I was younger, I only dreamed that when I got older, you'd be proud of me**

My father hugged me and told me to never give up before he died and I didn't. When the bombs hit I knew that I might not have been a great father but I raised an excellent son and wished Peeta all the happiness in the world before ours disappeared.

**When I was younger, I promised you both**

I rose from the floor and left the broken man behind with the help of my son. He was right my father had taught me to never give up and I had taught my son the same.

**That when I was older, you'd be proud of me**

My father stood in the doorway looking out; my mother was waiting on the porch for us.

He beckoned me forward and told me that he was as proud of me as grandfather had been proud of him. When I was younger I had dreamt of my grandfather once and he'd said the exact same words and now that I'm older I understand their meaning.

If I have a son he'll know them too.


End file.
